I don’t remember really being obsessed with Star Wars as a kid. I know I saw the movie with my aunt when it came out (I was 7). I know my first vinyl record I ever owned was The Story of Star Wars (I got it just before I turned 8). I remember playing with Star Wars trading cards with my friends at recess. I remember being excited for Empire and Jedi, but I don’t ever remember really being obsessed.
But I must have been.
This week, as kismet would have it, I finally got around to cleaning out a storage bin in the basement. It was a bin full of old school books, math problems from grade 3, art from grade 5, letters from girlfriends in grade 9, and 4 books of Star Wars fan fiction that I had written when I was 9.
Like I said, I remember being excited for the movies, but I never remember really being obsessed to the point where I was carving out 4 story books of fan fiction spanning eight episodes of the series.
Yes, Before episodes V, VI, I, II, III, and VII, I was writing my own script about what would happen a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Spoiler: I didn’t predict the “Luke, I am your father,” part, but it’s still pretty cool to go back into my 9 year old mind and see how I saw the saga unfolding.
(I’ve included the bad grammar and spelling for authenticity)
A long time ago there was a war of spaceships. And in a station there was a captin named Darth Vader. And 2 robots named R2 D2 and CP30
There was a prinsess that Darth Vator trapped.
And close to the end of the war. Then Luke Skywalker and some other guys were going to explore Death Star Darth Vaders staition.
At the end of the war Luke and Han Solo got a medal.
But before they knew it the empire escaped. But they didn’t give up the war.
So they kept on fighting. But Darth Vader was holding Chewy prisnor.
But when they found the prison Chewy was gone so Han Solo said lets hunt the hole area. R2 you take C3P0 west and we’ll take east and when you find something tell us. But when you have done west go north and we’ll go south. Soon R2D2 found something it was a storm trouper. So R2 went east to find them and C3P0 went sout to find them but they both ran into storm troupers.
But little did they know that Han Solo and Luke Skywalker were surrounded by storm troupers. But they maneged to escape.
Now lets find the robots said Luke Skywalker. But were are they asked Han Solo. Beats me said Luke Skywalker.
I think we better split up. Ok I’ll go north and you go south. But will go the other ways Darth and his men.
And so guess who won the war. Luke Skywalker.
And so Darth and his men built a new station called Killer Star.
Episode III was sadly not recovered during this cleaning of storage bins.
The ship called 45D7 was Darth’s new ship. Also Darth had a ship named Blood Jet.
Darth had to win this war so he took his best men. Out to fight.
Darth won that war but the revels started a nother war.
Now the revels had to win it but Dart was to tough. So the revels built a new ship called 400X.
The revels blew up Killer Star with 400X. So darth built a new station called 248.
Now Darth put reflective shields on his 428. But 400X put a hole in it. But it only a miner energy.
So Darth put reflective shields all hover his 428.
So now the revels won 3 wars and Darth won 2.
It was Darth’s turn to win the war. So he got more men. So the revels were winning the war. Darth couldn’t believe his eyes. He had got all these men for nothing.
But soon Darth built 70FRD. It could hold 45 men.
It worked! It destroyed 10 spaceships!
This made the revels mad. So they built ther most powerful ship. Shark tail. Shark tail held no men. Shark tail was electronic.
Shark tail fired one shot a direct hit on Killer Star. So now Darth was mad. He got electric monster.
Darth sent electric monster on a secret mission to destroy the revel base.
Now the war was almost over Darth’s ship exploded in space with the monster in it.
Now Darth was realy mad! He just felt like giving up but he went on with the war. Soon Killerstar was starting to shake! It wad never did it before. Darth knew what it was the revels.
Finally Killer Star blew up Revels won!
Okay, never mind the part about Darth Vader living through the entire saga, but I think I nailed the nomenclature of the starships in the canon. That electronic monster could easily be a Sith apprentice. And the continuous building of bigger, better, badder star killing machines? Nailed it. Now let’s see if the new one in The Force Awakens has reflector shields.
Your move, JJ Abrams.
Dad. Broadcaster. Writer.
Three time Guinness World Record Holder.
I run the world for Team Diabetes.
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